Tuesday, August 5, 2014
peace when the day is done
the agony of loss is a cycle of flooding memories of all the times we shared; the times you took advantage of me, and the times you showed you cared. your voice on the telephone line speaking sorrow to my ears, telling me you apologize for the hurt caused over the years; and your promise, to your credit, to never do another girl the same, does make my heart hurt less, to know you feel the shame. How to not count this as failure, when I clearly see my wrongs, the good moments I will treasure, brought to mind with every country song. But I was not honest about my feelings, did not heed my inner voice; perhaps we could have made it, had I made a different choice. There is no fault or blame to lay, it happened, it is done, and the ups and downs of grieving feel like a battle I have won. I know many things I knew not before, am stronger, more resolved; I know the ways I wronged you, and the hurt that is involved, with splitting up a family, ending a promise, walking away; but my heart is slowly healing, the sun brings a brand new day. I've been searching and been praying, asking God to show me the way, I've been seeking and been learning, a better way to say, the truth of what I really think, the truth of what I need, Had I known how to do it then… well… I would have. And I hope you can forgive me, I hope your heart moves on, I wish for relief from sorrow, and for peace when the day is done.