Thursday, August 30, 2012

Ok, this should be easy...

I used to have water and now I don't
Fish could prolly live here, but they won't
Scientists say "dang, we didn't know"
But the Indians 'round Jackson..... they say it's always been so.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Spirit of the Wolf


It's the   spirit    of      the      wolf  

On some numbered dirt road in the Appalachicola National Forrest.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

bog log jog nog dog pog cog hog FOG!

Do you know where I am?

I could give you a hint...

It's a canopy road in Tallahassee...

But farther in a particular direction than most of us would normally go...

I stood in awe of the morning mist moving through the Pine field as the sun rose behind an opaque sky cover so thick it seemed I could feel the grey weighing down on my skin. It was fresh. And so clean, clean.

9am. No, not now.

Today I randomly met my best friend for a conversation in a parking lot around 9am. Surprisingly, this is not all that unusual for the two of us.

We talked about my first day of my last day of undergrad, which is today. Hooray. I went back to school 3 years ago simply because my whole life fell apart, I had no money (thank you Recession 2008-2000ever), and I didn't really want to keep working as hard as I was at a job I no longer enjoyed. But this wasn't something I planned to do. Going to college seemed, to me, the easiest route to take. I never struggled academically (just socially, emotionally, and chemically!), and I knew I could excel if I just went back and gave it the ol' college try.

We talked about this journey of self discovery through education and postsecondary learning and my best friend told me the story of 'Ms. Judy:' a family friend when my friend was a child, a woman born with severe dyslexia who struggled her entire life through school, a graduate of college after over 12 consecutive years of taking classes, re-taking classes, and learning to learn despite her disability, and, now, an elementary school teacher with empathy, hope, and experience to share with children in her classroom.

I love that. And I'm pretty sure I'd love 'Ms. Judy' too. I'm really grateful that learning has never been a challenge for me... because other areas of life have never come anywhere close to easy... so it's a balance thing... and a reminder to always, ALWAYS, stay grateful :)

... and work hard.

Monday, August 27, 2012

-On 27-

This is that place you may have passed one time at 45MPH...
You know how when your family has that place out of town that you travel to frequently and you feel like you know the trip so well you could see it driving with your eyes closed? That's how I feel about Hwy 27. I've headed either North or South on 27 most everyday of my life, I guess. And this little spot is so amazingly cool, you know, if you're in to delapidated structures and all. (Which I am, so... YAY.) This building sits at the junction of 27 and 19, the Florida-Georgia Parkway. I love flashing through those blinking caution lights all the way down the state wondering, "Do people really live here in... Two Egg!?" Well, I'm sure they do. But I digress.
And so stands, wearily, on the edge of rememberance, this old store-front. I stopped here with my love while passing through recently to snoop for secrets, and wonder what happened, and wander the scene. There were bluberry bushes around back...

I like the way my belly feels when I peer into windows not knowing what I might find. 'Cause, really, how often do you find underbrush growing within a building? I like the way my mind and my eyes search every old shelf, dusty corner, for some sign of previous life. All the while I remember my previous life, and that not-so-old house that was left much in the same way this one must have looked when I fled those years ago. Sometimes the darkness in others and within ourselves is more subtle than dusk falling second by second. Sometimes the best thing to do is run...

Standing in this time warp, I contemplated what seemed like my entire existence in a matter of 3 minutes. I see metaphors in most everything, and this building was no exception. What ever destroyed it is gone now, and the new growth within its unnatural walls tout a feral conformity to new laws of life. It is like me. Those who have done their part to belittle and invalidate me are no longer around, and the new life I've been given resembles my old purpose but a little. I have been formed and reformed by the elements surrounding me, and the most basic and truest form of myself is still has just peeled back a few layers to give me a better view of the sky ;)

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Where am I?

Does anybody remember this place? I used to go here all the time with my family when we kids were younger. I remember that mound felt SO tall and those stairs seemed to reach as high as a mountain top! I think it's so strange how memories build and are re-made through the years if you stay in your home town. I see places everyday that I've been watching change my whole life. And I guess we, as people, change too. I remember the last time my whole family was together at this place...

It was the Spring of '99. My sister and I were 17, and my little brother 11. My father obtained a day pass for me from the adolescent substance abuse treatment facility I attended, and my sister was 8 months pregnant. I usually sarcastically joke about how my family raises "winners" at this point in my story. But I remember chasing my little brother up those stairs, thinking how short the rise of each step felt, and reaching the top before my attention span expired. I remember thinking about my soon-to-be nephew and how much life seemed to be changing at that moment. And I remember my family as we were on that day.

What are your memories of [here]?

I prefer to 'endure' rather than to 'suffer'

This shiii is crazy. Or maybe I am?

Perhaps I could tell you that I am a recovering alcoholic of the manic depressive type with a ton on my mind and a laptop at my fingers. There exists a medical chart roughly 52mm thick in some office somewhere that probably paints a pretty rough picture of my personality...though I think enough is quite evident already in my daily behavior and jaunts into 'civilian' society to clearly define my issues: Bipolar, PTSD, ADHD......whatever. My diseases and disorders, while opressive and foreboding, do not necessarily define me. I am a woman. I am a woman old enough to do whatever I wish, and still young enough to jump in feet first. I am a mother. I am a mother who had to learn what it meant to love my child as she grew, because it didn't happen in my heart simply by rite of her birth. I am a student. This Fall semester will see the conclusion of my undergraduate work after so many years of setbacks and hard work. I am a partner and friend. I give my love to a man whom I'm pretty sure was given directly to me by God, and all the rest of what I have is spread like joy to my friends, without whom I would not be alive. And I write.....

I write and I snap photos and I will share this journey as I go. THIS is an amazing life far beyond my wildest dreams, and it's time to start documenting the dang thing!