Tuesday, October 16, 2012

When my heart hurts:

I'm mostly beside myself because I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go, and it seems like the choices I make keeping screwing everything up. It's hard to know if I'm trying to force life into what I want it to be because I'm constantly taking charge of situations. And this is ludicrous considering I frequently make mistakes in what I say and what I mean to say. I shouldn't be in charge of my own relationships.

The good news, however, came from my bff's perspective this morning:
I need to focus on the internal stuff I can control and regulate, and start letting something much more powerful than me do the work on all the external situations.

I just don't know why I start to believe that everything is up to me to figure out. I sit here, today, looking at the bag of his things sitting near the door waiting for that god-awful 'exchange' thinking that the truth is that i do not have the answers, and that is perfectly ok. I don't know if I should fight like I want to, or let him go in the hopes that he returns whole-hearted like that old adage says, but I'm listening and learning that maybe, just maybe, if I stop trying to figure out what to do for half a moment, and I start looking into my own heart, and my own behavior, and my own ideals, and my own beliefs, then I might get out of the way long enough for God to place me exactly where I need to be. Maybe what I want doesn't matter. Maybe what I can learn here is most important.

Of course, for me, every vision still includes him in it... and my heart still aches... and I still hope beyond hope that my future follows his... but I'm starting to believe that my only right move, is the one I ask for strength and guidance to be shown.

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